"Oh, please stop it with the true love. You're a grubby ex-con, you've been nothing but trouble since we met you."

"Don't talk to me like that. I'll bite you in a minute!"

- Wolf and Tony

"Forgive us noble woodsman, but have you seen a gorgeous girl with very long hair?"

- Wolf

"John, Paul, George, Ringo?"

"Ringo?!"

- Tony and Wolf

"Who would have thought it? Juliet the axe-man."

"Yeah, you know what? Is it any wonder he turned into a sick sadist?"

- Wolf and Tony

"I've always wanted to say this; love of my life! Let down your lustrous locks!"

- Wolf

"Look out below! Cover your eyes!"

"What? What is it?"

"Dandruff!"

"I do not have dand-ow!"

"Oh some people can't take a joke."

- Wolf, Tony and Virginia

"I found another grey one!"

- Wolf

"Ta da!"

- Wolf

"Be careful you don't trip over your hair."

- Wolf

"How did the haircut go?"

"Um...well...I think I might have overdone the axe-trim a little."

- Tony and Wolf

"Wolf, do you think you can simply ignore me?"

"I've changed. I am no longer under your influence. You cannot touch me."

"Oh really? It's a full moon tonight. Your blood is already hot. You are a wolf. What will you do when the wild moon calls you? What will do then, to your new friends?"

- The Evil Queen and Wolf

"I mean this is farming land and farmers don't like wolfies. Huff, puff. No siree."

- Wolf

"Virginia, please forgive me. I didn't mean to be so rude. It's just that my cycle is coming on. You see once a month I get very irrational and angry, and I just wanna pick a fight with anyone who comes near me."

"Sounds familiar."

"But I'll be perfectly, perfectly all right, if you just keep me away from temptation."

"You know, I get like that too sometimes actually, but..."

"Ooh. Look at those sheep. Trollops. Shouldn't be allowed."

- Wolf and Virginia

"My name's Sally Peep. I'm a shepherdess."

"There's no question about that."

"My, what hairy, strong arms you've got. If my door wasn't locked, I'd be scared you'd come into my house and huff, and puff, and blow all my clothes off."

(Wolf barks) "Where do you live, Sally?"

"Okay, let's go."

- Sally Peep, Wolf, and Virginia

"Oh you're so prim! But my wish will change all of that."

- Wolf

"Cramps! I need...I need to go to bed, I need to lie down. I mean, I need a...I want...I need...a hot rabbit, to stroke, to comfort me. A long-eared rabbit is best. Now! Now. Right now."

- Wolf

"You know you're running a terrible temperature."

"Oh they look so innocent, don't they? But they're not. Provocative, teasing, fluff-balls. Just look at her beady little eyes. She knows exactly what she's doing, don't ya?"

"You just feel really hot."

"Stop fussing over me! You're not my mother. Stop mothering and smothering and cubber-loving everybody like a little dwarf housewife! Get out and leave me alone!"

- Virginia and Wolf

"You stay with me. Yeah."

- Wolf (to the rabbit)

"Start without me, why don't ya? Hi!"

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Bed? Oh no, I'm bounding with energy, I feel full of life."

"Where's the rabbit?"

"What rabbit's that?"

"The one I gave you to cuddle."

"Goodness me. She must have hopped away."

- Wolf and Virginia

"It's my eighteenth Birthday today. Bet you can't guess what's going to happen to me tonight."

"Is it the bumps?"

"What's that sticking out the back of your trousers? Through there, at the back. It's quite a bulge."

"I must get going. I think I left a chop on my plate."

- Sally Peep and Wolf

"Oh Virginia, when you said I was your husband I went all hard and soft at the same time."

- Wolf

"Virginia, I feel so alive. I can see everything for miles! Oh, look at the moon. Doesn't it just wanna make you howl? It's soooooooooo beautiful."

"Not really."

"My momma was obsessed with the moon. She used to drag us all out, just to watch it when we were cubs. 'Shepherdess, makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely'. The moon makes me hungry for everything."

"Time to go to sleep."

- Wolf and Virginia

"Do you have any idea what you do to me? You will never know love like mine. I am your mate for life!"

"Wolf, you don't even know what you're saying. I know-"

"Oh you know, do you? You know everything. You're Little Miss Perfect who sticks up her hand and can answer every question but knows nothing. You're pretending to live, Virginia. You're doing everything but actually living. You're driving me crazy!"

"Stop bullying me, I don't like it! Now go to bed! Now!"

"Or what? Will you scream? That's what most people do when they see a wolf; they scream. Scream and scream. {looks at pitchfork she's holding} What are you gonna do, stick it in me? That's what everybody does when there's a wolf around, they stick it and they stab it and they smoke it out! They burnt my parents good, oh yes! The good people, the nice farmers. A great big fire, and burnt them both."

- Wolf and Virginia

"Fine mess, fine mess, fine mess. Now she hates you, oh now she hates you. Because you're an animal, and you deserve it. You're a nasty, nasty animal. Nasty, nasty animal! Animal!"

"Who are your companions?"

"I'm not telling you anything about her!"

"Her? What's she like? Is she...tasty?"

"You're evil. You stay away from me!"

"Look at the moon, then tell me what you'd really like to do to her. And let the wolf out."

- Wolf and the The Evil Queen

"Hello."

"How are you feeling?"

"Not...not too good. Everything's...hazy at the moment. D'oh, I know I must fight what I am! I can't even remember what I've done! You'd better tie me up, that way I can't escape."

"What do you mean tie me up-"

"Tie me up! Stop me escaping! Which part don't you understand?!"

"All right."

"Tighter. Tighter. Tighter. If I struggle I can get free. Tighter. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Tighter. Or I'll eat you up."

- Wolf and Virginia

"Kill the girl."

"No! No!"

"Get me the dog. Do it!"

- The Evil Queen and Wolf

"Keep it under control. Time to kill, time to kill...that's what I've got. Oh nice day, nothing to do. No, no. I am serene. I am calm and serene. I am very, very serene. I'm very, very serenely...hungry."

- Wolf

"Virginia! There's been a terrible mistake."

"Look, Wolf, we're going home."

"Huff puff, you can't!"

"Look we don't belong here."

"No."

"And whatever mess you've gotten yourself into it has nothing to do with us. Please don't cry, I...look, nothing you can say is ever gonna change my mind."

{He whines, and a single tear escapes from his eye}

- Wolf and Virginia

"It's no good. It's no good. We've lost already my creamy counsel."

- Wolf

"Oh, cripes."

- Wolf

"Oh, shepherdess? Or temptress?"

"Oh yeah temptress, she's a temptress."

-Virginia and Wolf

"That's a lie! They provoked me!"

"Provoked you to what?"

"P-p-p-provoked, provoked me to nothing. But they sure were trying!"

-Wolf and The Judge

"How would you describe Sally Peeps?"

"Objection-"

"Sally? Very cute. Ssssucculent. Nice girl. A very tasty little birdie, and no mistake."

"Nice enough to eat."

"Oh yes! No. No, I didn't mean that."

"She was asking for it, is that what you're saying?"

"She was begging for it. I mean she was gagging for it. No, no, no, I just meant some of these girls are very provocative. They know that a wolf...well...it's...it's like thrusting a steak in front of a starving man!"

"Is it indeed?"

"Oh no I didn't mean that either, see I'm twisting everything I'm saying!"

"He's suffering from post-menstrual tension, your honour."

"Post-menstrual-tens-pen-whatever it is."

"The night before the murder, there was a hen house homicide resulting in the death of ten chickens. Anything to do with you?"

"No, sir."

"You didn't kill those chickens?"

"No sir."

"You didn't go near the hen house?"

"Absolutely not sir."

"Then how do you explain this? That is a piece of your shirt, recovered from inside the Peep's chicken coop."

"Oh the chickens! Let me think...yes. Yes. I might have eaten all the chickens."

"And then you killed Sally Peeps."

"Howl, a couple of drumsticks doesn't make me a killer! I had chicken for dinner, I admit it, but I didn't touch no girl, I swear!"

"Then why did you lie?"

"Yes, why did you lie?"

"Because if I said yes to the chickens then you're gonna think I wolfed down the girl as well!"

- The Judge, Virginia and Wolf

"You cannot do this! You haven't given him a fair trial!"

"Virginia, I want you to remember me all nice, please, forever."

-Virginia and Wolf

"I'm free, Prince. How can I ever thank you enough? You saved my bacon! Thanks old chap, I owe you a very big bone!"

"I'm actually disgusted that you're still with us. You repulse me. Why did I have to save your life?"

"Oh yes, from now on we are friends for life!"

- Wolf and Prince

"I'm on the final page, of the final chapter, of my final book. I now totally understand women, top to bottom. I have perfected a technique of not-looking at her all the time. It's very difficult, but I think I've succeeded."

- Wolf

"I have managed to stop my tongue from lolling when she arouses me. I have transformed myself into a new man and soon, she will be mine." {His tongue starts lolling and, realising what he's doing, he quickly stops}

- Wolf

"Where everyone falls in love. Truly, fate has led us here."

"Dream on."

"Oh you'll see."

- Wolf and Virginia

"You're such a soft touch."

"Yes. Soft, sensuous, {hit by Tony's coat}...creamy touch."

- Tony and Wolf

"I don't know what it is...I just...I just feel so good."

"You will do. Everyone does in the Kissingtown."

- Virginia and Wolf

"Right, so, Missy White is lying here for years and everyone thinks she's dead. Close your eyes. Slow down your breathing so your chest is almost not moving at all. That's nice. And all these handsome chaps come along and try to bring her around, but none of them are good enough for her. You know what I mean? {She laughs} Then one day, this drop dead gorgeous prince comes past and he stops, thinks, oh, what a corky girl. What a sweetie-pie. But she's frozen. Cold. She resists his every call with her frozen countenance. And he realises that the only way he can melt this Ice Queen is to massage the life back into her soft, creamy lips. With a kiss."

- Wolf

Part Two

Part Four