Scream
by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.

A 'Chimera' episode addition. Spoilers for 'Forever In a Day' and 'Chimera'. Feedback would be loved.

Thanks, as always, to Nellie. *smooooch*

*

She cried most days. Not every day, and not always at the same time, but she cried most days.

Daniel was there a lot. She'd learned not long after she'd left Earth {help, help me, please stop this thing} about his wife, Sha're, so he understood some of what she'd been through.

But not this part. Sha're hadn't lived long enough for him to get used to this part.

Sarah wasn't sure there *was* any getting used to this part.

He wasn't there today. Probably on a mission {Daniel, this isn't me, isn't me}. Travelling to other worlds, defeating enemies. Defeating the Goa'uld.

There was no wonder in it for her. The idea of advanced life on other planets, of a network of alien devices that allowed you to travel thousands of light years instantly, of technology far beyond anything anyone on Earth had ever dreamed of...meant nothing.

The universe was so small now. In the last few years she'd seen everything. All of it. Not just the places she was made to go, but the Goa'uld {I won't learn your name, I refuse to remember your name, I won't give you that} had shared its genetic memory with her.

She remembered history.

She ignored it as much as she could, but even she couldn't manage to control her dreams. In those hours when she did sleep - day, night, there was no usual time yet - she dreamt of that history. She'd wake up, her nostrils filled with the stench of ancient blood, and stumble her way towards the bathroom; her stomach emptying what little food she'd managed to keep down.

Sometimes she didn't make it that far. She suspected she wasn't popular with the cleaning staff.

Today she was standing naked in front of a mirror. Well, not so much a mirror (no potentially sharp objects) as the most reflective surface she'd found. The angle was odd and made her look distorted, but that seemed appropriate.

Her body was in good condition because of the Goa'uld, but already she could see the signs. The darkness under her eyes. A few of her bones being a little too well defined. Her hair matted and dark.

She had to pull herself together. She had to get over this. She was strong, she was independent; she wasn't going to let some fucking alien that'd taken control of her body at the first opportunity get the better of her.

She had to stop spending so much time on her own when Daniel wasn't there.

The others tried. They interacted with her, treated her like a friend; even went outside with her (so, so small). But there was something missing when Daniel wasn't there {Get AWAY FROM ME. KILL ME, KILL ME}.

It wasn't love, or at least not romantic. It was something indefinable.

Despite what he said, she knew this was a mental hospital. Yes, it was top secret and not very similar to the 'stereotypical movie' mental hospital, but it was one just the same.

She went outside a lot because she'd been told right from the start that as long as she didn't go off and tell everyone about the Stargate program, it wasn't a problem. Part of her rehabilitation was to have as 'normal' a life as possible.

They were looking into getting her a place to live, something she could share with someone who at least knew what she'd gone through.

He'd volunteered the moment he'd heard, but she'd said no.

And a job. They were talking about a job. Maybe what she used to do, maybe something new. Maybe, if she wanted, working at the SGC, putting her skills to use against the Goa'uld.

But that was too much. Any kind of job other than flicking through the television channels and trying to make sense of the years she'd missed was still too much right now.

So she stared at herself {not me, not me, I don't look like that. I don't ever wear that expression}, at body hair that was getting too long, at fingernails that should probably be chewed on soon and-

"Sarah?"

-she couldn't move, hadn't been able to move ever since she'd been staring at herself and it's as if that thing is still inside her head and like so, so many times, she tries to scream, tries to shout. Tries to whisper.

Anything.

"It's still here..."

It's a horrible, horrible trick. It was still inside her all along, only pretending to be gone just to add to her torment, to make her think she was free.

Then there's pressure from behind, hands on her arms, a face next to hers.

A voice in her ear. "Breathe, Sarah. Just breathe."

She told him about that. Breathing was automatic, autonomous. Something you didn't need to think about. But you could control it and many times that thing had, when she tried to 'rebel', or fought against it too hard.

Her breath was taken away from her.

"Breathe. Take in a huge breath of air, then let it out. Think about it. Do it yourself. Do it as you."

He feels like yet another voice inside her head but because she's scared, so scared, she does what he says and...it is her. It really is her. She's controlling her body, controlling her breath, and as it pours out of her she finally realises that there really is nothing there to stop the scream she so desperately wants to voice.

So she does.

~FINIS

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