Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
Set in season six, after 'Metamorphosis' and before 'The Changeling', though there are no real spoilers either way. Humour fic, rated NC-17 for sexual situations.
Contains the Evil!Jonas moment I've been promising Michelle for a while now...
Feedback?
*
The Revani had seemed like perfectly nice people. Perfectly *normal* people. Friendly (okay, so that wasn't particularly normal - most of the people they encountered were distinctly *unfriendly*), pleasant, and almost overwhelmingly generous.
So really, after everything they'd encountered as SG-1, there was nothing normal at all about the Revani.
Still, it made a very nice change to encounter a planet full of individuals who seemed to derive a great deal of pleasure out of making their visitors welcome. Their every whim, every request was instantly granted.
Naturally, Jack had been suspicious as hell, but as their day wore on he realised he wasn't picking up any kind of hostile vibes from them. He was pretty good at noticing them by now, and there was nothing other than the joy they derived from helping someone.
Was pretty damn freaky though.
As far as they could tell - without any medical testing - the Revani originated from yet another group of humans who'd been taken off Earth by the Goa'uld. Sometimes it seemed that all the Goa'uld used to do was kidnap people from Earth - didn't they have anything better to do?
According to Carter the Revani were slightly more technologically advanced than Earth, but other than how *happy* everyone seemed, that was the extent of their differences.
And then their Greeter, Yawjor (who Jack kept accidentally referring to as JawJaw - just as well they *were* friendly, really), had said it. 'It' being:
"You must allow us to share this with you! We've recently developed a new technique of displaying moving images that makes the experience most enthralling!"
Huh. Moving images. "You mean like a movie?"
JawJaw had frowned, looking towards Carter. He'd learned pretty quickly that if he wanted a decent answer to anything, it was best to ask her. "'Movie'?"
"Yes," She nodded, smiling. "Images of something - usually people - are recorded, and then displayed. If it's the same thing, this practise has become a very popular form of entertainment on Earth."
JawJaw grinned. "It is very entertaining, but we will see if it is 'the same thing'. Come, come; let me show you."
A five-minute walk later and they were being escorted into a building they hadn't been shown yet, passing a long line of people - every single one of them smiling.
Yeah, definitely freaky.
Jack soon forgot about that however, when they were taken into the screening room. In actuality it was multiple movie screens hanging from various places on the ceiling (JawJaw's explanation being that everyone would have a good view that way), and the seats they lowered themselves into were *huge*. At least twice the size of the ones back home, and far more comfortable.
Okay, maybe he'd like this.
Lifting a cup up from somewhere, JawJaw - sitting next to Teal'c - declared, "Please, feel free to indulge yourselves."
That was a decidedly questionable statement, but when Jack spied a cup no doubt intended for him in a holder on the arm of the chair, he lifted it up and sniffed the contents suspiciously.
Glancing to his left, he saw Carter doing the same. Catching his gaze she smiled, shrugged, and sipped cautiously. Jack quickly did the same. These people had been nothing but friendly.
It was quite nice, really. Fruity: not entirely dissimilar from orange juice.
A few minutes later the people who had been in the line began to mill inside, all taking their seats (apparently unassigned) in a remarkably brief amount of time. When everyone was seated, the lights lowered, and the screens flickered to life (it really wasn't entirely unlike being at a movie theatre on Earth).
Placing his drink back in the holder, Jack focused on the closest screen hanging from the ceiling, which was a little to his left. JawJaw had mentioned nothing about this 'movie' being a work of fiction, so - as the camera panned across a field - for all he knew it could be a movie about how they harvested their food.
When the first person in the movie came into shot (woman, late 20's), Jack shifted in his chair. When the second person in the movie came into shot (man, late 20's), Jack frowned.
When they kissed, and Jack realised the first scene of the movie was going to be a love scene, he began to feel decidedly uncomfortable and was way, *way* too aware of who he was sitting next to.
Clearing his throat he deliberately looked away from the screen but that meant - oh, what a shame - focusing on Carter instead. She was pretty stunned as it was, but when her eyes widened even further he couldn't help it; his gaze went back to the screen.
*Woah*.
There was no doubt. This wasn't a love scene.
This was a porn movie.
They were watching a porn movie.
Except it wasn't quite the same as Earth porn. There was no bad acting, no poor attempt at a script; it was just two...no wait, three...*four* people getting down to it.
But it was still a porn movie.
Damn.
Well. Okay. They could sit through this. It'd be a little embarrassing, but the situation dictated that he *so* wasn't gonna get aroused. Yeah, had he been by himself he probably would have been enjoying himself, but being surrounded by some two hundred people just didn't do anything for him.
Actually, when he thought about it, it was really quite...funny. He could just imagine trying to explain this in his report to Hammond ("Porn, Colonel?" "Tastefully done, sir."). Chuckling internally he focused his attention back on the screen, where much moaning and screaming was taking place.
When that scene 'ended', it unsurprisingly segued into another one with a different couple. This time they seemed to be enjoying themselves on top of a desk. Against a desk. On the edge of a desk.
But there was something about the scene that was bothering him...
And then he realised.
The desk looked a lot like Hammond's. The woman had short blonde hair and, oh yeah, beautiful blue eyes. The guy was obviously a few years older, roguishly handsome, with a full head of grey hair.
Dammit!
Now, of course, he was finding it way *too* interesting. Shifting again, he tried to ignore the building pressure in his groin as the woman's face contorted in a way he'd imagined Carter's would-
No. Nonononononono. No.
Trying to find a way of sitting that'd put less 'strain' on his body, he placed his hand on the armrest, planning to push against it to help him move.
Except there was already another hand there. A hand he'd just put his own on top of.
And knowing very well who he was sitting next to, there was only one persons hand it could be.
He should have just yanked it away; it definitely hadn't been intentional. Just a coincidence.
Yet...didn't some people claim there was no such thing as coincidences? That everything happened for a reason? Some kind of destiny?
Huh. Thinking of destiny and 'meant to be's' was a really *bad* idea while he was holding Carter's hand.
Woah, wait a minute. Now he was *holding* Carter's hand? When'd that started? Just a few seconds ago his hand had been resting on top of hers, but now they'd shifted until they were palm to palm, his thumb gently rubbing the side of hers.
And it felt really, really good. Like, *really* good. His hand was actually tingling and he stared in fascination as Carter closed her eyes. This was impossible, he decided. Absolutely impossible. No one could feel *this* good just through rubbing thumbs...but he couldn't deny the pleasure shooting up his arm from where they touched.
Somewhere in his addled mind, it came to him: the drink.
Yes. He stared at the cup holder. It had to be the drink! It was affecting them somehow, doing something.
Yes, they really should-
Changing her grasp, she pulled his hand onto her leg. His brain just about exploded.
"Carter," He managed to whisper, as his hand caressed her thigh through her pants, seemingly of its own will. There was no *way* his fingers should be feeling so damn good. They'd certainly never been an erogenous zone before. "We should..." Guuuuuuuhhh... "Go. Leave. Right now."
No one else seemed to be inclined to leave, and as some of the people watching began to move onto the same chairs, suddenly he understood why they were so big. Crap.
His legs were moving even before he'd made the conscious decision to do anything. Out of the chair, still holding onto her hand, dragging her with him, pushing through the doors that led out of the screening room.
They came out into a corridor, along the farthest side of which were dozens of doors. Jack grasped the handle of the closest one and pulled it open, searching for a way out - *any* way out.
Through that door was...blackness.
He stopped suddenly, making Carter thump into him, her free hand coming up to grab his arm to help stop her movement.
The door clicked shut behind them.
It really was blackness. Complete and utter. He couldn't see a thing, couldn't hear a thing except for their breathing (which was problematic enough in itself).
"Okay," Her hand was still touching his arm. "I don't think this is the way out."
Carter pulled away (thank God, thank God) and though it was pointless, he turned around to face the direction they'd come from as he heard her try to re-open the door.
'Try' being the operative word.
"It won't open," She muttered.
"What?" It had to open. It really, really had to open, because when she'd said that it wouldn't his body temperature felt like it'd shot up by ten degrees.
"I *said* it won't open!"
Man, she was sounding testy. And he didn't doubt her for one moment - he just needed to make absolutely sure. "Have you tried jiggling?"
"Yes."
"Wiggling?"
"*Yes*." Her response was soon followed by a thump against the door. Evidently she was trying to open it through sheer force.
Trapped in the dark with Carter. Hmmm.
Deciding that if nothing else he should offer his assistance, he tried to find a light switch. He had no idea if there'd be one - this being an alien room and all - but keeping his mind active and *away* from other subjects was a very good idea.
Carter's thumping continued unabated, though she didn't bother calling for help. There seemed little point; no one would be able to hear them over the sounds of what was happening in the screening room.
Jack's hands found the wall (don'tthinkabouther), which they explored carefully but quickly (don'tthinkabouther). He encountered nothing more than the occasional shelf as he shuffled around the room - maybe it was some kind of storage closet (don'tthinkaboutherandconfinedspaces).
He kept moving; hands sliding across whichever walls they came across...until they came across something that wasn't a wall (can'ttouchher). It was only a hand (can'ttouchher), resting against the door (can'ttouchhercan'ttouchher) harmlessly.
But there was something about *that* particular contact at *that* particular moment that prompted action. Starting from the back of hand, his fingers travelled along and up her arm, touching her skin then the cloth of her shirt, brushing over her upper arm; then shoulder, neck, caressing the back of her head.
Just for one moment there was no confusion, no guilt, no overpowering need to do what was wrong - he was completely and utterly calm.
Until their lips met.
The need that had receded for those few seconds returned with such force that he physically stumbled into the wall. That didn't stop either of them; lips seeking each other in the darkness, hands drifting, touching, rubbing, tugging. Somewhere in the middle of it someone managed to un-button her pants, and while his left hand not-so-gently pressed her back against the door and his mouth continued to taste hers, his right moved lower, sliding beneath the clothing.
She gasped into his mouth as he touched her, and though the darkness was as impenetrable as it'd ever been he knew she'd just closed her eyes.
"We should...stop," She told him on a strangled whisper, moving against his hand.
Shit, she was warm, wet, and making a lot of sense. *Not* a good combination. "It's wrong," He agreed, growling when she cupped his ass. "I know it is."
The hand that had grabbed his ass now slid around to the front of his body, rubbing teasingly on the front of his pants. Holy crap...
"Doesn't seem to beeee," Panting, words starting to lose form. "Stoppiiiiing ussss..."
Hands that weren't his moved to un-buckle and un-button his pants, stroking his penis free from its restraints.
Cursing he shifted closer, pulling his head away, burying his head in her shoulder. In the dark they'd have to do this by feel alone, but they could *so* manage it.
THUMP!
Okay, that wasn't him.
"O'Neill!"
THUMP!
Okay, that was a big ol' slap in the face.
"Major Carter!"
That too.
Hearing Teal'c and Jonas' voices just then were almost as effective as hearing Hammond's would have been.
Frozen, breathing, *this* close to doing something really, *really* stupid...
What the hell were they doing?
"Cease your activities!"
Huh?
Ohhhh...suddenly he had a baaaaaaaad feeling about this...
Though he still couldn't see her, though they still hadn't moved, he swore that she was frowning the same way he was, arousal mixing with confusion.
And then Jonas said it:
"They can see what you're...uh...doing!"
Crap. He didn't know precisely what that meant, but in *no* way could it be considered good.
He - and he suspected she - had never moved so fast. They yanked away from each other, readjusting clothes (though hell; try to re-button his pants was interesting) and putting as much physical distance between them as possible.
Not easy, in that infinitesimal, dark, isolated-
"Teal'c, buddy?" He cleared his throat. "Can you open the door from your end-side! From your side?"
A quiet click later, and it was.
Jack held up a hand, wincing, slowly stepping out into the light. The two blurry forms soon turned out to be - as expected - Teal'c and Jonas. "Hey guys," He greeted as if the other half of his team hadn't just caught him with his hand on Carter's- "What's going on?"
Teal'c opened his mouth, but Jonas got there first.
"It's the Revani. The...images they're displaying. They're not pre-recorded. They're actually happening *now*."
Ohhhh...that baaaaaaaad feeling really was justified. "I really don't wanna ask how you discovered that, do I?"
"Probably not," Jonas admitted.
Great.
Teal'c, however, wasn't so circumspect, gesturing to the storage cupboard they'd just come out of. "There appears to be some kind of camera with night-vision capabilities within this room."
Eww, eww, eww! "And they didn't think to ask *permission*?" And who'd wanna watch sex in the typical night-vision green, anyway?
"To be honest, Colonel," Jonas offered. "I doubt any of them were particularly interested in thinking. In fact I doubt any of them even really noticed. And you and Major Carter *did* kind of run off together..."
"That was not running off together," Jack insisted. "That was running away. It was just bad luck that we happened to end up...where we did." Oh, really - *ick*. "Speaking of which, if you noticed us running off...away, why the hell didn't you stop us?"
Jonas looked at Teal'c. Teal'c looked at Jonas.
Jack very carefully didn't look at Carter.
Teal'c, eventually, went for the magnanimous route. "We thought it best not to intrude at the time."
Jack *so* wasn't asking. "It was the drink! It had to be the drink. It had some kind of weird, brain-altering effects. There's no way under normal circumstances that Carter and I would even *consider*..."
They stared at him.
Okay, okay. "That we would *let* ourselves do anything like that. It had to be the drink."
Teal'c pondered the comment. "I felt none of these 'effects' of which you speak, but most likely my symbiote protected me."
"And while I didn't notice anything either," Jonas volunteered. "After my people spent all those thousands of years on a different planet, my body chemistry is probably different."
Right. Good. Uh huh. "Well in that case," Jack clapped his hands together, attempting to brush off his embarrassment - and this situation had definitely put a damper on his arousal. "As we clearly weren't responsible for our actions, I think there's absolutelynoneedtomentionthistoHammond, and that we try to find a way out of here that doesn't involve going anywhere *near* that screening room."
Teal'c nodded. Jonas nodded. Carter...Jack had no clue, because he still wasn't looking at her.
All four set off along the corridor, Jack falling into step with Teal'c while Carter and Jonas walked behind. "So Teal'c," Jack began, gesturing towards the doors they were passing, trying to shake off some of his frustration. "Are all these rooms used for, uh...?"
"I believe so," Teal'c confirmed. "It seems likely some of the rooms contain some kind of holographic system, to display the scenes 'filmed' outside."
"*That* or they're really outside,"
"Perhaps," Teal'c conceded.
The four of them continued in silence for a while, until Jonas began speaking. It was obviously intended only for Carter, but as there were no other sounds, they all paid attention to it.
"Major?"
She really had been unbelievably quiet since leaving the room...well, maybe not unbelievably. "Jonas?"
"I...I want to say something. I know it's not particularly appropriate and that I'm probably risking my future survival, but it's not often that opportunities like this come along. Put simply: I *have* to say this."
With each word Jonas spoke Jack's steps became slower and slower until eventually he paused, turned, and frowned.
Everyone else had already stopped.
Carter was staring at Jonas curiously, with just a hint of fear. "What is it?"
Looking at no one else, Jonas lifted an arm, pointed at her kiss-swollen lips, and said the thing that *did* seriously threaten his future survival:
"You've got some Colonel O'Neill on you."
~FINIS