Disclaimer MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own the characters. Though they may not want to.
Spoilers for 'The First Commandment', 'Solitudes', 'Seth', 'Point of View', 'Divide and Conquer', 'Between Two Fires', '2001', 'Wormhole X-Treme!', 'Meridian', 'Nightwalkers', 'Abyss', 'Prometheus', 'Metamorphosis', and 'The Changeling'. Set anytime after 'The Changeling' but before 'Full Circle'.
Uh, so I guess this is kind of a parody. Feedback would be appreciated. Rated R in case anyone's a sensitive soul...
*
She told someone once him, ironically enough that if she died, she wouldn't have any regrets.
Having actually died now, she knows that's an utter lie.
She wishes she and Dad had reconciled sooner, and that it hadn't taken an alien symbiote to do it.
She wishes Mark and Dad had reconciled sooner, and that it hadn't taken an alien symbiote to do it.
She wishes they'd never left Daniel alone on Kelowna, while the rest of them went on a tour of the city.
She wishes for so many deaths to be undone, even if that's not really a regret, even if she understands it now.
And she wishes that she'd had sex with him.
In *the* Great Scheme of Things (because, as it turns out, they do actually use that phrase where she is), it's not important. Not at all. In *the* Great Scheme of Things, she's not even important.
But part of death, apparently, is the knowledge of the Paths Not Taken (another clichι. He'd hate it there). All the different endings to her life, all the different choices she could have made.
When the Paths Not Taken happened after the shock passed she pondered. She'd always pondered. Seeing all her different lifetimes...was it almost like looking through a quantum mirror? All of her alternate realities? Did that mean that, somehow, the Ancients were actually *Them*?
And then Them had told her to shut up.
Maybe he wouldn't hate it there.
But because of the Paths Not Taken (displayed, for the record, on a wide screen TV bigger than the Earth itself), she now knows every caress, every touch, every sigh.
She knows the sex would have been fantastic.
If it had been possible, she would have been kicking herself.
Not that the sex being fantastic would have made it right, would have made the regulations any less important, but it might, just might, have taken an edge off the guilt.
She still would have felt guilty as hell, still would have felt ashamed any time she saw, talked to, or even thought of General Hammond...but again, at least she'd be having fantastic sex.
Something else she discovered...she can't go and visit them. She can't follow them around the SGC, can't be there as they mourn her. She can *watch* them, but she's not *with* them; not in the way Daniel was (oh and she also knows about his visits to the Colonel and Teal'c, but not her and don't think she's not pissed about that. It's probably just as well she can't be with them; she'd kick his glowy white ass).
She suspects death has hardened her. Instead of feeling blissful, instead of appreciating the wonder that there really is some place to go after you die, she's annoyed.
Annoyed that neither the Colonel or Teal'c told her about seeing Daniel, that Daniel didn't visit her while she was melting (what? Torture and lack of symbiote are good enough, but *melting* to death isn't?), that she never got to have sex with him.
The Colonel, that is.
Annoyed that she hasn't had sex for nearly eight eight eight (eight!) years.
She suspects showing her the Paths Not Taken was a bad idea, but apparently it's part of The Whole Deal, and Them really have no choice in the matter.
It's not like she can even have sex there. The others are there the club. The 'like Sam and croak in a hideous and untimely fashion' club. They get a badge and everything. Well, a symbolic one, as nothing actually exists there.
Martouf, Jonas (Hanson he deserved it though), Narim (so he *did* die), Ambassador Faxon (him too), and even Colonel Simmons, which is somewhat disturbing.
They're all there, and even if she did feel compelled to have sex with any of them (although thanks to the Paths Not Taken she knows what sex with all of them would have been like, so she really doesn't feel all that compelled), they're more impotent than that one guy who must have taken up that spam mail offer of increasing ejaculation by 681% (who else would be so desperate? And how the hell do they get that percentage so specific?).
So.
No sex.
No chance to 'visit' her friends (and scare the crap out of them while she's there).
No naquadah reactors, motorbikes, or locks to play with.
No jello.
It was true: death sucked.
Suddenly Them appeared. Well, not so suddenly. Them were actually always there; Them just didn't necessarily make their presence known, usually popping up when they were least wanted.
Daniel and Thor would fit right in.
'There's been a mistake', Them tell her. 'Someone filed your paperwork in the wrong place.'
How can Them even have paperwork? Nothing exists there!
'Metaphorical paperwork.'
Oh.
'Anyway, the good news is, it's not your time. We're sending you back.'
Back? As in...back to Earth?
'We told you, you never left Ear-'
Oh, don't get me started on that again. The point is I'm going back? I'll be alive?
'Yes. In about...five bleens.'
Bleens?
'Sorry. Those thought I should adopt of sense of humour.'
This is great! I'm going back! I'll be alive, and thanks to the Paths Not Taken I'll know the sex with Colonel O'Neill will be fantastic, so I'm *so* jumping him the minute I get-
'Uh, slight problem with your plan.'
Wow. I am so not used to hearing that. What's the problem?
'You won't remember any of this.'
God dammit!
~FINIS