Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
Set season seven, but no spoilers other than known cast changes. Spoilers for 'In The Line of Duty', 'The Gamekeeper', 'Window of Opportunity' and 'Entity'.
Feedback would be loved. Angst!
*
When someone knocked on the door (as they always did - he could never just be left alone), Jack didn't move. Considered not even saying anything.
The other's he'd told (in not so polite language) to get lost, but the person knocking now...he couldn't do that. The others - Daniel, Teal'c, Jonas, Hammond - had already been, had all tried to say what no one had the right words for (because there *were* no right words. Not for this), and there was no one else left. No one else but *him* could be at the door.
So Jack sat up, straightening his back. And spoke. "Yeah?"
He didn't turn, staring at the tiled floor where the shower area started; listening to the sound of a door opening, footsteps, and the light 'clunk' as the door was shoved shut again.
Then there was a shadow, a weight on the bench next to him.
There were no right words for it. None.
But he said the words that were all he had. "She took out the glider before it could hit the colony."
"I know." His voice was clogged, heavy. "George told me."
Of course he did. Idiot.
The urge to apologise was strong, but absurd. It wasn't his fault, and Jacob more than anyone knew the risks they faced. A long time ago, Jack had had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, he was going to be ordering good people to their deaths.
Just like her.
"What have you been thinking about, in here?"
The Asgard suddenly appearing, and being able to bring her back. Daniel finally figuring out that time loop machine and making it *work*. Stumbling across a fully functional yet Goa'uld-abandoned sarcophagus. Hoping that they'd been in the Gamekeeper's artificial reality all this time, knowing he was willing to give up the last five years if it just meant she was alive. That it was all some hideously bad practical joke, and the moment he actually started to *really* lose it, she'd come bursting into the room, grinning while everyone laughed at him, and though he'd be *furious* at first he ultimately wouldn't care because she'd be *there*.
The fact that, before she'd gone, before he'd sent her off, he hadn't even kissed her.
"Nothing."
Jacob looked at him. He was still staring at the tiles, but he knew Jacob was looking at him.
"Let's face it - that's all I ever think about."
There was no immediate response to that. Eventually, Jacob's voice produced something else.
"I didn't like you when we first met."
Oh, this was doing *wonders* for his mood...
"Quite frankly, you reminded me a little too much of myself. But eventually I realised the real reason."
Jack didn't ask "What?" He knew he didn't need to bother. He did, however, turn his head to look at Jacob for the first time since he'd walked into the locker room.
"I didn't make her smile the way you did."
Jack's hands, which up until that point had been doing a perfectly good job of grasping onto his upper thighs, slowly moved away, holding onto the bench seat, fingers digging into the wood.
"I mean I guess it makes sense, right? I was barely there for her childhood or most of her adult life. And though we reconciled - and thank God we did, thank God - and we were comfortable with each other again, I still didn't make her smile the way you did. No one did."
His fingernails dug into the grain, eyes stinging sharply, his field of vision becoming nothing but an opaque, creamy blur.
He wanted to stand up.
He wanted to pound his fists against the tiles until they cracked, and his hands were a bloodied mess.
He wanted to kick the door of his locker in, not caring about the state of his knees.
He wanted to scream and curse and yell because this wasn't like Jolinar or the entity - she is *gone* and she is *not* coming back.
But he won't do that. He won't do any of that - not in front of her dad. For all that he was feeling, he knew all too well the horror of losing a child.
"Jacob," His fingers were pressing so tightly against the bench that they were starting to hurt. "Does the snake...does Selmak make it easier?"
The responding sigh rolled throughout the entire room. "On the outside, maybe. A little more physical control. But where it counts? No. Believe me, right now, inside my head I'm..." His voice drifted off, obviously fighting for control. When he eventually continued, it was with a wry chuckle. "Okay, maybe not *that* much physical control. But if there's one thing I've learned from him, it's that grief doesn't get easier no matter how many times you experience it."
That didn't surprise Jack. But then there wasn't much at the moment that would surprise him at all.
"Jacob," His bones felt as if they were locking together, getting ready to propel him forward. "You need to leave."
"Jack?"
"I don't mean to be disrespectful and I know that she was your daughter - God, I *always* knew that she was daughter - but you have to leave. Now."
The silence that followed dragged on forever, and he sat there, nearly rocking back and forth, his skin screaming at him to move.
Until Jacob stood up. Left the room. Closed the door.
And he moved.
~FINIS