Disclaimer - Climb that mountain.
Spoilers for 'Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy'.
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"If I've lost your respect-"
"That will never happen...certainly not because we've seen a few random fantasies. We all daydream, Doctor."
*
She seems above it, somehow. She's certainly fallible. She's certainly made mistakes. But...how well do I know her, really?
It hadn't really occurred to me before that she could have fantasies the same as anyone else. Even me. I certainly knew that people did otherwise I wouldn't have attempted to create my own, but I'd never consciously thought that she had them. When I was in briefing with the rest of the senior staff, I never once looked and her and thought "Oh yes, she *definitely* has fantasies."
Yet she has to.
Yet she seems above it, somehow.
I've always thought that having a well developed imagination is healthy and recent events have forced me to realise that I know almost nothing of hers. I only see her in briefings, meetings, on duty, a yearly physical that is duly avoided...occasionally at a social event - like now - but even so everything she says is probably perfectly scripted.
If there is one thing I do know about her, it's that she's absolutely dedicated to getting her crew back to the Alpha Quadrant. Some would say obsessed, and there are most certainly days when her whale-chasing moments catch up with her and I really can't disagree with them.
Not that I would ever say I've been wrong, you understand.
How well do I know her, really?
My medical authorisation would give me access to her personal logs and although I would never actually do it...the prospect is rather tempting. Just to know.
Then again, she could well keep all her private thoughts to herself, not even recording them for prosperity. Unlike myself. I have decided that if something unfortunate should happen to my programme while we're out here, future generations of holograms and holoprogrammers should learn from my experiences. Perhaps I should record the ruminations I've had since I entered the mess hall.
I recall the touch of Seven's lips on my cheek.
Perhaps not.
How strange. My memory subroutines seem to have forgotten what I was thinking about...ah. Of course.
So I wonder.
I doubt she daydreams about saving the ship - she does that already on a regular basis.
Getting home would seem an obvious choice. Does she imagine the reunions with her loved ones, her family? Does she imagine visiting places she used to frequent? Does she imagine a particular little coffee shop?
I should imagine she thinks of that a great deal.
Ha. I am rather witty at times.
Romantic daydreams, perhaps? Is there someone on board she feels something for? Possibly...
Or does she still think about that Devore? She'll know with common sense that he betrayed her, betrayed us...but there was genuine chemistry between them despite all that.
Does she still think about her fiancé? I should say ex-fiancé; I heard he got married.
I hope she doesn't. I don't particularly like the idea of her clinging onto the memory of him for so long. I don't think she does, she never mentions him anymore, but...
And what of her and the Commander? They used to seem so close. His feelings for her did seem rather obvious, even to me before I became as developed and knowledgeable as I am now.
I suppose if anything, it wouldn't be her yearning for him but rather the other way round.
Sad.
I only realise I'm frowning when the object of my thoughts walks up to me. "Smile, Doctor! This is supposed to be your proudest day."
I do, because it is certainly one of them and I'm very aware of the medal on my uniform. "I'm sorry Captain. I suppose I was just letting my mind wander."
"About...?" She asks, seeming to be in an exceptionally good mood. This is my big opportunity then. "Not that I want specifics but I was wondering...may I ask what you daydream about?"
She clearly wasn't expecting the question. Her smile falters but doesn't vanish completely. I notice that she doesn't fiddle with the glass of champagne she's holding. Her gaze grows contemplative. "I try to stay with reality as much as possible, but I suppose...getting home. Making sure everyone is treated well once we get there. Making Tuvok laugh just once."
I smile at her sly look.
Then I remember one of the fantasies I had and even though she didn't see this one I feel hideously exposed all over again. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to notice.
"Not much else really," She concludes with a slight shrug of her shoulders.
"Nothing else?" I push, knowing that I'm entering territories that should be marked with signs reading 'here there be dragons'. I really can't help myself.
I'm almost a recipient of that look. Then she smiles again and chuckles. "At least nothing I'm willing to share with anyone else, Doctor."
I force a chuckle and almost tell her that she should share her daydreams with someone. There are many of us who would listen. Instead I settle for a good natured "A shame."
Laughing, she then bids me farewell and walks towards Neelix who seems to be refreshing everyone's drinks. On route the Commander touches her arm to share something with her and it seems as if her skin is the only thing preventing her insides from going everywhere at once.
I smirk as the Commander wipes the champagne from his face, as she tries to do the same thing with her own hands until Neelix eventually intervenes with a towel.
Well, well.
I may have been embarrassed earlier, but at least *I* don't turn red.
~FINIS