No-Count Pup
by Suz

Disclaimer - "Good grief Penfold," said DM as he was assimilated by the Para-Borg.

Okay, this story format is fast becoming a cliche, but I *had* to write this. In fact I'm amazed that no one has used this song yet themselves.

Somehow I think Kim is to blame for this. Also thanks to Lady V, Willow, and Irenee for listening to me babble about writer's block.

Note: Any inneundo in this story, as innocent as it may seem, is completely intentional.


The first item was on the coffee table as he walked into his quarters. He didn't notice it to begin with and puttered around the room, winding down from his shift. It was when he sat down on the couch and propped his feet up on the table that he noticed. Pulling his feet back he reached forward and picked it up.

Why would anyone give him a bone?

Then he noticed the small piece of paper wrapped around the bone with a red ribbon. Tugging at the ribbon, he unfolded the paper and read what was written on it.

Follow your nose, just like a dog should.

Hardly flattering words. But his curiousity was most definitely piqued.

Standing, still holding the bone and the piece of paper, he sniffed. There was nothing unusual in this room, at least from what he could tell.

Stepping outside his quarters, he nodded at a crewmember who passed by who was clearly wondering why the First Officer was holding a bone. Chakotay didn't notice, instead proceeding along the corridor with his nose pointing towards the ceiling. It was after walking approximately fifty metres that he noticed the smell. It smelt vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. It was definitely meaty.

Turning a corner in the corridor, he paused slightly when he saw something on the floor. Approaching, the frown on his forehead grew deeper. He knelt down, observing the object. It was a red-coloured dog food bowl with the word 'FIDO' printed on the side. And yes, the smell he'd detected was the apparently fresh dog food sitting in the bowl.

This was extremely bizarre.

A small area of white coloured material caught his attention, and Chakotay reached with his fingertips to dislodge the paper from the dog food. Wrinkling his nose in slight disgust, he managed to retrieve the paper without getting covered too much in the meaty, jelly substance. Unfolding this one, he once again read what it had to say.

Dogs have different ways of attacking and defending. Claws, teeth. But how would I defend myself? Bring the dog bowl.


His security access code allowed him entry into the weapons locker, the bone tucked under his right arm and the dog bowl held in his hand. The pieces of paper he had so far received rested on the dog bowl. He was doing his best to ignore the smell of the dog food, which seemed to become more nauseating with each passing moment.

Walking by several weapons cabinets, he stopped when he noticed one of the doors was slightly ajar. Pulling it fully open, his eyes rose when he saw a black wire wrapped around a compression phaser rifle. Placing all the objects he held on the floor, he set about pulling the wire free...and then he realised exactly what it was.

A leash.

Another piece of paper fluttered free as he worked so he quickly bent and picked it up.

Just what does a bar rodent keep in his apron anyway?


Chakotay was no fool. Well, not completely. He had a pretty good idea who was sending him these messages - there were not many crewmembers who could gain immediate access to the weapons locker - although he wasn't entirely sure why. He'd also figured out that he was expected to carry all of the objects he'd collected with him until this little game came to an end.

So he walked into the mess hall, relieved to find it empty and the lights not activated. As he reached the counter he placed all of the 'gifts' on the surface and searched behind the counter for Neelix's apron. Eventually he found it inside a small cupboard, hanging on a hook. Quickly tugging it out, his hands roamed through the pocket on the front, not taking long at all to locate what had been left for him. Pulling it out, his eyes went wide and he immediately read the attached note.

Now be a good boy and report to the place where you should be exploring your fantasy life. That's an order.

Shaking his head, yet somehow amused, he looked down at the latest gift and rubbed his thumb over the metal studs that covered the collar.


As expected, a programme was already in progress when he arrived at the holodeck, and the computer easily allowed him entry. The moment the doors hissed closed behind him he heard her voice.

"Computer. Place a security seal on the holodeck door, authorisation code Janeway Lamda 3."

The computer beeped. "Acknowledged."

Chakotay wasn't surprised. Examining his surroundings, he walked along the path provided, his arms full with his presents. He seemed to be walking through some kind of jungle, not entirely disimilar from the one he explored with his father when he was a teenager.

After walking for almost two minutes, the path came to end in the middle of a clearing. The floor was covered with grass here, and it seemed to him that the humidity level had just risen. He started to sweat.

A rustling sound to his left caused him to spin in that direction even though he had no doubt who was appearing. It was her, of course. She was dressed in her Starfleet uniform which was something of a relief, but the decidedly wicked smile on her face soon quenched any relief he was feeling.

He dropped everything he was holding on the floor, the dog food spilling out onto the grass.

Kathryn merely smiled wider as she approached, until she stood approximately two feet from him. He knew he was not expected to move. But he spoke.

"Let's see. You've given me a bone, dog food, a leash, and a collar. Something tells me you think I'm a certain animal."

That smile appeared again, then she began to circle him. "We'll start then, shall we? Three years ago you pledged yourself to me when we were trapped together. You would always be by my side...blah blah..." she passed by his eyes and waved her arms about slightly "but you have strayed Chakotay. Many times. Too many." Coming to a pause in front of him, she looked directly into his eyes. "Let's face it Chakotay. You're a tramp."

He wanted to protest but somehow knew that wouldn't get him anywhere.

Kathryn continued walking around him, her hands hooked together behind her back. "But despite this...despite the fact that you sleep around with God knows how many women...I still have a thing for you."

That made him speak. "A thing?"

She tutted at him. "Don't interrupt. Now I don't know if it's love, or lust, or just a *thing*...but I know you have a thing for me too. And if this is the only way I'm going to get you and make you behave, then so be it." Reaching down, she picked up the leash and attached it to the collar. She stood and held it out to him. "Now...are you going to be a good boy? Or do I have to force you to eat the dog food?"

Taking the leash and collar from Kathryn, Chakotay looked down at them, then back at Kathryn who had promptly placed her hands on her hips and was impatiently raising her eyebrows at him.

"Well?" she insisted.

Chakotay considered all of his options. Their history, all the women he had been with, the man she had been with...and came to his decision. He said one word.


In response, she picked up the bone and threw it.



He's a tramp, but they love him
Breaks a new heart every day
He's a tramp, they adore him
And I only hope he'll stay that way
He's a tramp, he's a scoundrel
He's a rounder, he's a cad
He's a tramp, but I love him
Yes, even I've got it pretty bad
You can never know when he'll show up
He's gives you plenty of trouble
I guess he's just a no-count pup
But I wish that he were double
He's a tramp, he's a rover
And there's nothin' more to say
If he's a tramp, he's a good one
And I wish that I could travel his way
I wish that I could travel his way
I wish that I could travel his way. . .

Song words written by Peggy Lee and Sonny Burke (thanks Kristina!).

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