A Half-Klingon, A Talaxian, And A Frying Pan
by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - Paramount owns them, we don't. Shame.

Okay, this is a prequel to Kim's *wonderful* Earth Angel and my How Tom Used EM's Cold Medicine To Save The Day!!!. Rated R (not for sex, mind you), so you can't say I didn't warn you.

Thanks to: Kim, obviously, for letting me write this and Willow, who inspired me without even realising it.

Dedications: Absolutely everyone who understood my brief moment of depression.


B'Elanna was seething. Chakotay sat opposite her in the mess hall crying *again*, after the Captain had turned down his offer of Velocity *again*. Why, in the name of Kahless, was the woman being so stubborn? Chakotay wasn't putting any pressure on the Captain, merely asking if she'd like to play with a friend. But she had coldly rejected him.

B'Elanna had suffered enough. She'd had enough of the mysterious messages she'd receive over her com badge at night which only consisted of someone sobbing over the line. They'd put a serious crimp on her sex life. Tom had taken to calling Chakotay's crying 'Music to fuck by', which she really hadn't found amusing at all.

She'd had enough of the love-struck, gooey-eyed expressions that Chakotay would send to Janeway everytime she walked onto the bridge, or into the mess hall, or into astrometrics, or even when she hailed him for some reason.

Janeway was ruining his life, there was no doubt about it. Before he met Janeway, Chakotay was not a love 'em and leave 'em type of guy, but Janeway's rejections had forced him to turn to other women for the comfort he so longed to find in her arms. So now, Chakotay could quite rightly be described as the ship's bike. He had more or less been ridden by everyone.

Not only had Janeway ruined his life, she had ruined his reputation. As an honourable person, B'Elanna had to do something about it.

She had long ago given up trying to convince Chakotay that he wasn't going to get anywhere with the Captain - if there was one thing he had, it was patience. Sure, his libido couldn't be contained even with a level ten security field, but in his heart he had always remained true to her.

There was only one way to go about it - she was going to have to convince Janeway to start a relationship with Chakotay or for once just get her to tell Chakotay that nothing was *ever* going to happen between them. It was possibly the only way he would be convinced.

Janeway was going to have to stop the flirting, the touches, the small grins that only encouraged Chakotay's feelings towards her. It was downright cruel.

Leaning forward in her chair, B'Elanna grabbed his hand quickly before releasing it. "Don't you worry Chakotay. I'll sort it out for you."

Leaping out of her chair she walked off, but Chakotay was still so distraught that he hadn't heard anything and continued to rub his eyes while rocking in his seat murmuring "I should have had a seat. Yes, yes, a seat. Even if it had been a while. Seat, seat!"

He giggled, and the people sitting at the tables around his started to move away quickly but silently.

Reaching the kitchen area, B'Elanna ignored Neelix, aware only of the sensations pouring through her body. Janeway had to be made to understand. There was no way she could keep tormenting Chakotay like this. She wouldn't *stand* for it!

Growling and picking up a frying pan that was hanging on the wall, she swivelled towards the exit.

Neelix followed her. "Umm, B'Elanna? May I ask what you need the frying pan for? I was planning to use it to cook a hair pasta omelette..."

Non-responsive, B'Elanna walked out the door with the Talaxian at her heels.

He continued badgering her (appropriate because he quite obviously resembled a badger), until as they were about to enter the turbolift she yelled "I'm going to knock some sense into Janeway!"

She stopped walking only because the turbolift hadn't arrived yet. Counting to ten in Klingon she tried to restrain some of her anger at least until she confronted Janeway.

Standing next to her, Neelix coughed slightly. "Are you quite sure that's a good idea, Lieutenant? Striking a superior officer is a court-martial offence."

The turbolift arrived and the doors opened. B'Elanna immediately walked in. "Bridge!"

Neelix, of course, went with her and during the short journey to the bridge tried to convince her that it really wouldn't be a good idea and besides, she'd end up denting his best frying pan.

As the turbolift slowed and the doors began to open, Neelix knew there was only one thing he could do.


Lieutenant Commander Tuvok did not look up from his console as the turbolift doors opened. He *did* look up from his work as a thumping noise quickly followed by a Klingon profanity reached his ears.

Being very careful not to frown, he watched as Lieutenant Torres slowly hobbled out of the turbolift with Neelix moving along the floor behind her. The Talaxian had both hands tightly wrapped around her right ankle and seemed intent on trying to stop her from where she was going.

Lieutenant Torres did not let it stop her, continue her slow limp in the direction of the ready room.

"May I ask what you are doing?" Tuvok queried.

Neelix chuckled as he was pulled along on the carpet. "Oh, don't worry about us Mr Tuvok! We're just having a little fun, aren't we B'Elanna?" She remained silent, so Neelix continued the conversation by himself. "Yes, quite. Just a little fun Commander."

"May I enquire as to the function of the frying pan?"

The Talaxian winced as B'Elanna yanked her leg harshly and he developed a decidedly nasty carpet burn on his face. "I would have thought that was obvious - we're going to fry something."

By now Tuvok *was* frowning. "In the Captain's ready room?"

"Umm...yes." Neelix responded, and that was all her could say as B'Elanna thumped down the step just starboard of Tuvok's station.

One short step later, she stood at the top of the stairs that led down to the ready room and pushed the button for entry.

"Yes?" Janeway instantly responded, and B'Elanna smiled as she hoisted up the frying pan.

Walking, thumping and bumping down the stairs, she entered the room with a very dazed and heavily concussed Talaxian still attached to her leg.

Dragging the almost dead-weight limb across the room, she advanced towards Janeway with the frying pan still held high.

Janeway was observing the rather bizarre display in front of her with something of a mixture of amazement and humour. "This isn't exactly how I expected you to bring me your engineering report, B'Elanna."

Breathing heavily now, B'Elanna paused in front of the desk, the frying pan wavering in her hand due to her near-exhaustion. "He's as heavy as he looks," she muttered.

Neelix, his face buried into the carpet, retorted "Well at least I don't wear white socks with black trousers."

"You're challenging *my* fashion statements?!" B'Elanna spat at him before turning back to look at Janeway. "Captain, I have to inform you that I've come to knock some sense into you."

Janeway started to get worried. "With a frying pan?"

"I think it's the only thing that's going to work now. You're so stubborn that nothing but drastic action is going to make a difference. Now come over here so I can hit you."

The Captain stood from her chair and backed against the wall. "B'Elanna, I really don't think you're quite yourself..."

The engineer rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine. I'll come over there. You realise how inconvenient this is for me? It's extremely difficult for me to drag this little bug everywhere with me."

"Bug?" Neelix asked, beginning to think that someone should have forseen this very situation and carpeted the floor with a quilt so he'd be a lot more comfortable.

"Little?" Janeway asked, just as Torres advanced and swung the frying pan towards her head. Ducking, she just managed to evade the frying pan and dive under B'Elanna's arm. Standing again she tried to make a run for the exit but didn't anticipate something.


She'd been so busy trying to avoid all contact with B'Elanna that she tripped over Neelix and caught her head on the edge of a table.

"Dammit!" B'Elanna yelled, turning as fast as she could with Neelix still holding on. "You're not supposed to *die*!"

Her words invaded the fuzz in Neelix's brain. "Die? She's dead?" Trying to shake off the effects of his concussion, he released his grip on B'Elanna's leg and stood shakily next to her. Peering down at Janeway, he frowned. "I don't think she's breathing." Grabbing the frying pan from B'Elanna in disgust he started speaking harshly. "Well this is wonderful B'Elanna. How are we going to explain this?"

She seemed at a loss for words for a moment. "Well...technically it *was* an accident..."

Janeway's body suddenly jerked up and both of them yelled in surprise and jumped back.

But not before Neelix dropped the frying pan on her head.

"Oh good God," B'Elanna commented, rubbing her forehead.

Fearfully bending down, Neelix felt for a pulse. "She's dead." He picked up the frying pan, speaking in an accusing tone. "And *what* am I going to use to get the blood off this frying pan, hmmm?"

B'Elanna sighed. Chakotay was going to be really, *really*, pissed off.


Sequel (off-site)
Sequel after *that*

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