Disclaimer - I'm not sure if Paramount own this, but they own the names.
I suppose that - if anyone asks - you'll simply say that you were doing your job, that you were obligated by duty to bring whichever criminal you decided on to justice.
You lived by regulations, found solace in their absolutes...but you followed those you're more passionate about better than others. If a regulation you dearly believed in needed to be fulfilled then you would do so, even if it meant breaking another. Not that you would ever admit it. No, you barely bent it. Altered it a little, or any other metaphor you chose to use in an attempt to find a peace of mind which you never succeeded at anyway.
You are not the type who sleeps well, Kathryn Janeway. You have a conscience.
I watch you. Just as he does. And we know when you've crossed that line; gone further than you should. You see it as well of course, but not until later.
You're too engrossed, far too busy not so much enjoying the moment as much as you are indulging in it. It's at these times that I am happiest. That I am proudest of you.
I am the darkness that crawls into you.
...but in those moments...full of wonder, pain, despair, greatness...the darkness is easily categorised: you. Entirely.
Then is passes. The moments rarely last long but make such an impact that even years later you look back and frown.
You smile at the one who calls you 'Kathryn' and begin a feeble attempt at communication which always fails. It's as much his fault as yours. He's surprised and worried by your behaviour, but becoming less so as time passes. He's disturbed - as you are - by what you've done, who you've become.
There's nothing you could have done. It's inherent in every being to some degree. Some less, some more, but it's always there.
Not that I particularly care about reassurance, but biological beings are such fragile things. You need a good massage for the soul on occasion.
Ah, but you have been beautiful. Wickedness in every step, fire in every gaze...and it's only later that you'll remember how you acted and how it didn't seem wrong at the time.
It isn't wrong. It's merely different.
But you'll think of how you acted, horrified that you could do so again in the future and not even realise.
Oh, but those moments where beauty and horror are entwined...they are something special.
I am you then.
And that, is the most terrifying prospect of all.
e-mail // voyager fic